The last time this happened was when I watched a horrow/thriller movie. But this time the reason is different.

Last night I tried sleeping but I couldn't. Why not? BECAUSE my heart was beating quite loud and it was as if my heart jumped to my throat. I could feel my heart pulsating at my throat and my back. I tried taking deep breaths but it wouldn't stop pulsating so hard. I tried walking around the room. It still didn't work. It took about an hour or less to get it to go back to normal and I finally had my sleep.

Now I'm too worried to go back to sleep. I'm afraid that something is wrong with me. With my health. With everything. I don't know. My friend told me to try stretching next time this happens. If it continues, I'm going to go see my doctor.

I don't know what's wrong. But I have to go to bed one way or another.

Posted on 17 Jan 2008 by

Some people would look at me now, and never know what I went through. With a bright smile and cheery mood, my life would be what people would perceive as "easy" or "nearly perfect". But it wasn't.

I grew up in a Christian family where everyone in my family, including myself at such a young age, were all active or doing something in the church. I remember my childhood revolving around the term "being a good girl" where I wanted to please my parents and family alone. However, when I got tired of being a good girl, I rebelled. My heart and mind screamed at them (yet my mouth would not because I was still busy trying to be a perfect child). I would go behind their back and do "subtle" things that they would disapprove of. I took pleasure in things that gave me quick happiness such as dating for fun (of which they disapprove of), gossiping, lying and so on. I know these aren't exactly your extreme examples of a problem child, but they were ones I struggled with. When my parents do find out of my rebellious actions, I would shut them out and write horrible things about them.

However, as I got older and a little bit more mature, the Gospel that I keep hearing and reading about from my parents and the church, slowly started to sink in. I realized that I should stop trying to please everyone on earth and instead concentrate on pleasing God who desires for me to give my life to Him and to love me all the time. I saw that God's mighty hand was constantly at work in my life to show that he has great plans for my life. I knew then, being an angry child, that I could not live without His direction in my life. I was tired of being a captive of Satan and sin and I longed to be set free. However, accepting Christ at a young age of 12 was not easy. I did not want to give up control of my life to Him. I mean, it's like giving my parents control of my life and having them dictate me around again! But I know that when I give my life to God and allow His Spirit to dwell in me, he can reach down to the bottom of my soul and love me like no one else can. He loves me so much that He endured the pain for me of letting Jesus die for my sins and humanity's sin.

As a Christian by living and faith now, I still continue to struggle with issues such as lust, gossip, lying, and so on. But every sin and temptation I face, I know that God will always be there for me and always forgiving me for my sins as long as I ask. It has been a challenge for me to remain constantly aware and mindful of his presence and to keep my feet planted firmly on the path He wants me to walk on. I know I will never be like Him, but I will strive to be more like Him everyday.

Posted on 07 Jan 2008 by

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone! Sorry I'm a bit tardy on all these greetings.

As much as I'd like to babble on about the New Year, resolutions, presents and so on, I would much rather share with you about my most recent decision. A decision to go on a missionary trip to Scotland.

I still have yet to hear whether I will be accepted or not, but I am confident that God will let me go because He is obviously calling me. But how did I kow he was calling me? I mean, I always thought that I would be the last person to go on a missionary trip. Last year, when everyone talked about missionary trips, I kind of wanted to go, but it wasn't something that I was enthusiastic about.

Here's my story of why I believe God is calling me to go on this trip:
I have always wanted to go to a project particularly Scotland. But I was always afraid to ask my parents and sharing my testimony, because I felt my testimony to be less impactful on others. Then during Winter Conference, I kept hearing in sermons of how God wants the plot of our lives to tell others about him and to be fruitful servants. And again, I tried ignoring it. But then we sang these two songs during worship time at WC and to me songs have a lot of impact on me...especially when I listen to the words and sing them from my heart. These particular two songs talked about how God wants us to follow Him and that he longs for us to reach out to the other unbelievers who He loves but are lost. The last part of the chorus said: "if it's your will then, Lord i am willing, send me there." And usually I dont sing unless i feel the song, especially when they are Christian songs. However, when I sang this, I ended up crying and I knew God wanted me to go on a mission.

Although I feel and know that God is sending me, I can't deny that I'm worried about my financial position. I have a month to raise $2500 and at first I wasn't worried at all. But when the number hit me, it started raising doubts. But I just pray that God will give me faith that He will provide in my time of need.

Posted on 04 Jan 2008 by